You’d spit in my beer if you could
but not whilst I’m up here
looking down on you
from behind this thin mic stand
that I hide behind

You could ask for your money back
Cos there ain’t enough laughs
but you don’t have the balls
being British and so polite –
even when fighting – stay quiet

and let me tell you how it is
as I try to extract a laugh from you
That way we’ll both feel better
about this cash-based relationship
You’re funnier on the telly!

This will be my last show – Ever!
and that gets me a huge laugh
When I get such a response
you know what – I’ll use it again
and again – and again